In celebration of the release of The Hunger Games in theaters, I figured there was no better way to welcome Katniss Everdeen to the pantheon of pop culture heroines, than by imagining what it would be like to be a fly on the wall during Girls Night. Clearly, Carrie Bradshaw was not invited.
Buffy: Hi girls! Thanks for joining me for this Heroines of Pop Culture ladies night. Sookie called to say she’s sad she couldn’t make it. But no worries! I brought the zinfandel.
Bella: I only drink red.
Hermione: I’ll have some! I’m really excited about this ladies night. I only hang with boys.
Katniss: You’re willing to feed me something?!?!? I’ll eat whatever you are willing to give me. I’m even cool with mouse entrails.
Buffy: Well, we’re fresh out of those…
Bella: Got any blood?
Buffy: You know who you’re asking, right?
Katniss: Moving on… So, how was everyone’s week?
Hermione: Oh, same old. Quidditch match, Ron being a whiny, emotional middle-child, a few random assassination attempts by the Dark Lord, saving Potter from certain doom. Y’know, the usual stuff.
Buffy: I was saving the world.
Katniss: I was also saving the world!
Bella: I jumped off a cliff to get the attention of my ex-boyfriend.
Buffy: I’m sorry, what?
Bella: Well, he broke up with me, and I became all sad and stuff and it was the worst. I cried a lot and ate an entire jar of hummus.
Katniss: And then you decided to kill yourself?
Bella: Well, kind of. Mostly just to get his attention. I knew that either him or werewolf guy would save me.
Buffy: I still don’t get why you’re into that werewolf. Werewolves should totally have chest hair. Why doesn’t Jacob have chest hair?
Hermione: I have a spell for that.
Katniss: But also, werewolves. Gross. If you date him, Rick Santorum is totally going to be all over that and call it “interspecies dating.”
Hermione: Werewolves can totally date humans, even marry them! Or well… shapeshifter… human… types.
Bella: You guys! It’s not like that!! Plus, he’s totally convenient to have around when I need some attention and I’m not getting it from vampire man.
Katniss: What’s the deal with you people and dating vampires? You guys should try humans sometime.
Buffy: There’s nothing wrong with vampires. Minus their emotional unavailability, lack of reflection, and penchant for really rough sex.
Bella: The rough sex is great, although it’s super awkward that we have to keep buying new pillows every time.
Katniss: This conversation is getting weird. Can I have some of those Doritos?
Bella: So Katniss, who are you going to choose between Peeta and Gale?
Katniss: Well, I hadn’t really thought about it. Leading that whole revolution thing has left me super busy and all.
Bella: But who will it be!! Which one makes you feel complete inside?
Katniss: Um, neither? It’s mostly just trying to decide whether I want to have a good hunting partner or a boyfriend who knows how to work the bread machine.
Bella: OMG I have no idea what I would do in your situation. What about you, Buffy. Angel or Spike?
Buffy: Dating a vampire is totally crazy. They either lose their soul and try to murder everyone in your life, or they just want to use you as a sex object for their own confused, sadomasochistic love fantasies. Plus, I’m totally over guys who are trying to look like Billy Idol. I’m taking time to focus on myself.
Bella: Interesting. I disagree with you because I think vampires are soooo dreamy, but whatevs. What about you, Hermione: Harry or Ron?
Hermione: Um, Harry has always only been my friend. It’s always been Ron for me. But I thought tonight wasn’t talking about boys, and that’s all you seem to want to do! I came here for a girls night, not a “bitching about boys” night!
Katniss: I only care about guys when it comes to how they can help me save the world.
Buffy: Absolutely. We have far more exciting things to talk about. Like weapons.
Bella: But boys are obviously the emotional crux of our lives! Edward practically looks at me the wrong way and I go into a helpless, emotional coma for eight days! He is my absolute everything and I can’t be a functional human being without his existence! What else could be more important in your lives than your man?!?!? What the hell else could ever be harder in your lives?!?
Katniss: I’ve been kind of tied up dealing with this whole reality TV death match I’ve been forced into, that’s also turned into a full-scale rebellion against the leader of my dystopian, totalitarian society, all the while trying not to starve to death and provide for my family.
Hermione: I just had to wipe myself from the memories of my parents, as I set out on a road trip where my two best friends and I are being hunted by a band of insane fascists, working under the instructions of the wizarding equivalent of Hitler. One of them tortured me, and there is a constant fear of being hunted down and assassinated.
Buffy: I spend every single day of my life battling evil vampires, and am constantly saving the world from demons, angry Gods, and the Root of All Evil itself. My mother is dead and my sister isn’t technically a real person. I have technically died twice. You and your man troubles take the entire women’s movement back decades.
Bella: Hmmm, I think I’m going to take this moment to go to the washroom.
Katniss: Can we not invite her next time?
Buffy: Sorry you guys. I knew we should have called Ripley instead. Aliens are way more exciting. Next time we’ll do something cooler, like hunting down her entire vampire family.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”—Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
I wish people would understand that it doesn’t matter when you joined a club or started liking a band or show so long as you are really passionate about that thing you like. Seriously, everyone is always going on about how Tumblr is a place of acceptance when in reality there is a large group of supercilious morons who think the fact they’ve been reblogging pictures of Jamie Ryan Dee and flowers and Nirvana for the longest means that they are better than anyone who joined when it was on MTV, or Twitter, or heard about it from a friend. It’s just elitist bullshit.
“One of the most important lessons white feminists learned from the work of feminists of color in the 1980s was that oppression — women’s oppression — always exists along multiple axes simultaneously. Feminists must therefore take racism and classism as central features of women’s oppression — not as add-ons that can be considered after the “real” challenges of “women’s” oppression have been met.”—Lisa Heldke, “Let’s Cook Thai: Recipes for Colonialism” (via yesalltheposts)
We were discussing homosexuality because of an allusion to it in the book we were reading, and several boys made comments such as, “That’s disgusting.” We got into the debate and eventually a boy admitted that he was terrified/disgusted when he was once sharing a taxi and the other male passenger made a pass at him.
The lightbulb went off. “Oh,” I said. “I get it. See, you are afraid, because for the first time in your life you have found yourself a victim of unwanted sexual advances by someone who has the physical ability to use force against you.” The boy nodded and shuddered visibly.
“But,” I continued. “As a woman, you learn to live with that from the time you are fourteen, and it never stops. We live with that fear every day of our lives. Every man walking through the parking garage the same time you are is either just a harmless stranger or a potential rapist. Every time.”
The girls in the room nodded, agreeing. The boys seemed genuinely shocked.
“So think about that the next time you hit on a girl. Maybe, like you in the taxi, she doesn’t actually want you to.”
I hope that on April 1st Rick Santorum announces that his entire campaign was just a big joke and that everyone got fooled and we’ll all have a nice laugh about the whole thing and forget that he was ever seriously considered as a candidate.
“I was a Harry Potter nerd. Pencils were wands. I was going to Hogwarts. The whole thing. You don’t understand what a nerd I am. I mean, if they remade them, I’d still go. Like, I’ve seen all of [the originals], and that’s always going to be Harry. That’s always going to be Ron and Hermione. But if they did it again, I absolutely would go, because I want to see it all again.”—